Thursday, January 24, 2008

Freakin hell. . .

You know when you just kind of get off track and one mistake or problem creates another one and it just branches out until you're pretty screwed overall? Happening right now, kinda depressing. I know I need to just put my head down and work, but that has always been my one problem. I can't just strap in and turn on easily. Whether its because I make excuses, or am lazy, or what, I don't know, but it always happens and its the ONLY thing between me and the top of the class.

First problem was that my housemate is still a fucking douchebag, and even a hour or two ago was slamming and cussing at his computer, which has consistently either woken me up or made me unable to sleep, and that combined with the fact that the beds here are absolutely horrible and extremely difficult to sleep on, its virtually impossible to get a decent sleep schedule going. This has in turn caused me to miss a couple classes in the first three weeks because I've been on the verge of passing out, and to avoid the embarrassment of passing out in the middle of class I just went home and slept. In turn I was unable to do the first assignment in one of my classes (bye-bye 5% of my grade) and haven't done too much of the reading in my other classes.

The result? Well, I am trying to just straight force myself to get this work done and finish as much as I can as soon as it is assigned, and also get this stupid fucking excuse for a human kicked out of residence for being an all around douchebag.

This crap is creeping into the rest of my life too though, but I'm finding it easier to remedy it there. I've always been a tech/computer person, but I've also got a fair bit of intuition with story-writing, though at the moment its mostly just picking out what is wrong with other people's stories. As a result, coupled with my love of games I've been trying to aim towards a career in game design (not programming them, but literally designing the game/plot). Lately I've come across nothing but people saying there aren't any openings, and pretty much all discussion of it that I've seen ends there. This got me thinking about whether or not my goals are even vaguely realistic, and the whole thing is just depressing. At the same time, I understand and acknowledge that this isn't the kind of thing I can just decide and plan out on a whim, and in reality I have no idea what its going to be like 2-3 years from now when I graduate and really start working on a career, but it still gets me down.

Lastly, with FFXI I've been feeling severely unmotivated. Yea, I really want to get X, Y and Z but really. . . do I even have time to utilize sky access if I got it? Sea access? Any of that sort of thing? Hell, even just another 75 job? I'm trying to get myself into a relationship and I think its extremely likely that FFXI will take an extreme backburner seat when that happens, so whats the point of enduring retards in the dunes? I guess it might just be a result of the overall negative attitude that I've got going right now, but damn. Even my entertainment is kinda dying off here. I guess on the flip side I'm trying to get myself to listen to Canadiens and/or Leafs games as well as Sharks games (hockey for all you lolamericans, since any Canadian who doesn't know who the Canadiens or Leafs are whether or not they like them ought to have their citizenship revoked), so that might help me enjoy things more and motivate me to head out of my room some time to watch games, maybe a bar, I dunno.

Anyway, feeling a little better now but. . . theres still kind of an argument going on in my head between the new me (post-depression) and old me (depression). New me knows the game and beat it, several times, but it still takes a while to do, and the old me is still stuck in the same old loop. . . it feels like I'm playing therapist for a friend again, but its me, weird feeling.

Anyway, back to my reading.

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